


Eggcelent

by mystery_deer



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Convoluted plans, Family Bonding, Fluff, M/M, shenanigans a plenty, the squad and some other minor characters appear as well but they don't have big roles, trickery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:48:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24562618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mystery_deer/pseuds/mystery_deer
Summary: It's heist time baby and this time our favorite Professor's throwing his hat into the ring.
Relationships: Kevin Cozner/Ray Holt
Comments: 4
Kudos: 57





	1. Carry Out

“Raymon’, ah’ve come dow’ wiff a toofache.” Kevin slurred slightly, trying not to have the offending tooth bare down on anything. His husband gazed at him with slight concern and overwhelming suspicion. Kevin was at that point grateful for any concern. Last week when he had given a bushel of apples to the neighbors Raymond had accused him of using Mrs.Daventree in some sort of grand scheme for the upcoming heist.

_“It’s the middle of summer.” He'd pointed out.  
“We’re having a summer heist this year. Halloween is a very busy time, a lot of imaginary razor blades in plastic pumpkin heads.” _

_“Don’t enunciate at me like that, I haven’t done anything to earn your ire. You cannot expect me to keep track of your yearly foolishness.”_

_“I’m watching you.”_

Now Kevin waited semi-patiently as his husband circled him, humming. “...Do you now?” He said, smile clear in his voice. 

“Yesh.” Kevin said, hating how awful his pronunciation was. It was not helping his case. He and Raymond believed strictly in the truth’s ability to be heard loudly and clearly like a bell and, provided the person speaking had no speech impediments and was over the age of three, they should be able to state their case with perfect clarity.

_(flashback)  
Marcus, age 5: I’m hungy.  
Kevin: Hungry?  
Marcus: Hungwy!  
Kevin: (shakes his head) How am I to believe you?_

_Debbie: I can see why you guys didn’t adopt, I get it now!  
Holt: I’ll sign Marcus up for speech therapy right away.  
(end flashback)_

“Weelll let’s just see about that.”  
“Aaa dentisht?” Kevin asked, really utilizing his tongue to hit those t’s.  
“I wouldn’t want to waste their time with this _obvious_ hooey.”  
Kevin sighed heavily.

After an hour of poking, prodding, chewing (unsuccessfully or successfully with great distress) Raymond finally agreed to go to the dentist, sure that his husband would be unmasked as Santiago had been. No amount of perfect acting prowess could fool the cold hard eyes of a machine.  
“I hope you are ready to eat your words with all your perfectly fine teeth.” He taunted playfully to Kevin, whose head was resting on the dashboard as he groaned.

“Kevin has several cavities.” Said Marcus, handing them both x rays.  
“Oh.” Said Raymond.  
“We’re not taking on new patients right now but I recommend surgical intervention as soon as possible.”  
“Oh.” Said Raymond.

“Ma Deepsht apologeesh Raymond but I will be unable to eat ma wordsh do to mah several caviteesh.” Kevin remarked.

Raymond dropped him off at home, apologizing profusely and stopping to buy several cold compresses, apple sauce, and beverages that would not irritate Kevin’s teeth to drink. 

“Again I am so sorry that I didn’t listen to you, heist season is one of constant trickery and deceit.”  
“Hhh.” Kevin replied, very high on whatever numbing agent Marcus had given him.

“I will leave you here for now, the housekeeper should be here soon and Cheddar will watch over you in the interim.”  
“Mmn?” Kevin asked, gesturing towards his husband.  
“I know. And under normal circumstances I would never leave you alone in your condition but I have a duty to uphold. My team is counting on me and-”

“Hmmmnn.”  
“Yes, it just so happens that today is the heist but that doesn’t mean-”  
“Bnnns..hnnnyn.”  
“There’s no need for that kind of language.”  
________________

As soon as Raymond left Kevin sighed and closed his eyes, listening to the many cars coming and going. One of which was surely his husband’s. He pictured him driving down the street with Cheddar in the passenger’s side. Excited as all get out for the heist and his victory.

What a fool he was.

Kevin picked up his cell phone and dialed a familiar number. “Hello, Kevin Cozner speaking.”  
“Hey Kev!” Debbie shouted. “Are we doing this? Is this happening? AAAH I could DIE right now!”  
“Please don’t.” Kevin requested. “And yes, we’re a go.” It was a relief not to have to talk in that ridiculous manner anymore. He stretched his jaw, stiff from refusing to close it properly for an hour. “Are you clear on your mission?”

“Loud and clear! You can count on me brother!” She chirped, hanging up before he could ask if she meant brother as in a familial relationship (which would be oddly formal for her) or if she meant it as a sign of their camaraderie. 

Oh, he’d forgotten to tell her not to call him Kevin.  
He smiled warmly.  
Then sent a brisk text reminding her not to call him Kevin.

\--------------

An hour into the heist Debbie arrived at the scene, toting a bag full of goodies and happily introducing herself to everyone.

“Debbie? What are you doing here?” Holt asked, pulling a scuba mask off of his face.  
“Don’t act coy Captain!” Charles called from his position, duct-taped to the window.  
“Yeah, we all know you have something to do with this!” Amy said, removing the visor to her beekeeping ensemble.

“I assure you I know nothing about this diversion. Debbie, why are you here? Did one of these knaves lure you here?”

“Are you guys playing a game? Remember when we’d play red rover and-”  
“The past is in the past, Deborah. I am a forward thinker and I am beginning to think-”  
“Oh I almost forgot! Does anyone want snacks? I bought a lot!”

No one wanted snacks, they wanted answers.  
Except for Hitchcock and Scully, they wanted snacks.

“These are good!” Scully said.  
“Your sister’s a bombshell captain!” Hitchcock exclaimed. “And I heard she’s recently divorced? Heartbreak’s the best aphrodisiac.”

“Get out. Leave. Quit.” Holt growled.

At home Kevin was preparing. He had placed a long brown wig on top of his head and was tying it into a “man bun” as was the popular nomenclature. He was interrupted by another call which he picked up quickly.

“Hello, Kevin Cozner speaking.”  
“Hello, Justice Laverne Holt speaking.”  
“Hello Justice Laverne Holt.”  
“Please, I’ve told you time and time again. We’re family, just call me Laverne Holt.”  
“Thank you, I will. Has Raymond contacted you?”  
“Yes, precisely three minutes, forty-eight seconds ago and counting. He requires assistance as Debbie has apparently entered the precinct and I quote ‘She won’t leave, tell her to leave, she’s ruining everything.’ end quote.”

“What a shame. I suppose you better help him.”  
“Yes, I suppose I should. I will be arriving in thirty-five minutes exactly.”  
“I’ll be ready. Goodbye.”  
“Goodbye.”

Thirty-five minutes later Kevin arrived at the precinct just in time to see Laverne Holt walk into the building. He waited a moment and then entered the precinct as if in a great hurry, looking around frantically until he ‘found’ the front desk officer. 

“Can I help y-”  
“Je suis tellement contente que tu sois là, savais-tu que je vais gagner ce putain de braquage stupide? Je vais la gagner et la frotter sur le beau visage de mon mari. Je suis malade et fatigué d'avoir des ordures mal obtenues dans ma maison. Notre maison était autrefois affichée sur le résumé architectural et maintenant regardez-la! Une honte!"

“Uh, I don’t..”  
“Les forces de police semblent très mal équipées pour traiter avec quiconque ne parle pas anglais, n'est-ce pas? J'utilise cela pour vous manipuler en ce moment, mais si j'avais vraiment besoin d'aide? Je devrais peut-être essayer quelque chose de plus ennuyeux. Au secours, mon chat est coincé dans un arbre! Aidez-moi!” Debbie exited from the stairwell and entered the bathroom.

“Uhhhhh…..” The officer looked nervously between Kevin and his desk phone as he dialed a number throughout Kevin’s rant. “Detective Diaz? Detective Diaz? There’s- huh? I...ugh.” He hung up and put his hands up as if in surrender as he stood.

“WAIT. RIGHT. THERE. SIR. I’M. GOING. TO. GET. HELP!”  
Kevin nodded as the man ran away. He then knocked on the bathroom door eight times, slipping in when it opened.

“Hello, Debbie. I trust all went smoothly?”  
“As apple butter baby!” Kevin nodded.  
“Excellent.” 

Debbie handed Kevin a change of clothes from her bag. “I hope it all works out! Send me a picture of the LOOK on Ray’s face. He was really losing it up there!”

Kevin smiled slightly. “I will. Thank you for your assistance.”  
“No problem, it’s fun!” She said, walking out of the bathroom. Kevin locked the door and quickly unscrewed the vent with the screwdriver he’d hidden in his pocket. He’d loosened the vent earlier in the month and the building’s maintenance was dependably awful. 

As he climbed through the vents, slowly making his way into the basement, he began to hear voices.

“What do you mean we still have the meat egg!?” Jake shouted, no doubt clutching at something in disbelief and panic.  
“Well for some reason Cheddar didn’t eat it and Hitchcock and Scully got sick so no one-”  
“This is the worst! This is the absolute worst! What are we gonna do?” Kevin silently dropped multiple small time-sensitive smoke bombs out of the slats of the vents, making sure to hit every floor. When he reached the basement again he was just in time to hear the tell-tale pop.

“What was-?” And boom goes the dynamite. Well, a light hiss goes the smoke bomb.  
Kevin waited as chaos erupted around him. Shouts of _bomb! Fire? Fire! Bomb?_ echoed through the vents until finally an alarm drowned them all out. Once everything was silent he kicked open the vent and landed gracefully in the basement.

The smoke made it impossible to see but he didn’t need sight. He’d been taking his nightly walks with increasingly less and less visibility. First just wearing sunglasses and eventually walking with his eyes closed. He could navigate the route blindfolded.

He was sure everyone had converged on the real prize while trying to evacuate the building. He walked over to a bright red box, opened it, and deftly cut the power.

He then exited through the vent (utilizing his acrobatic skills and also stacking several things on top of each other, a tried and true escape method) and arrived back in the bathroom. An officer was knocking on it so he exited, an apologetic smile on his face.

“THERE’S. A. PROBLEM. FIRE!”  
“Feu?”  
“NO. FIIIIRE.”

Kevin nodded, trying not to roll his eyes as he made his way outside with everyone else. It was easy to avoid anyone who might recognize him even with his disguise (Raymond, Jake, etc) as they were not mingling with civilians.  
However, Laverne Holt was.

The woman walked by him and they bumped into each other “accidentally.”  
“Please excuse me.” She said.  
“Je suis vraiment désolé.” He replied. 

As this exchange took place they surreptitiously swapped bags. He exhaled sharply at the new weight, readjusting the strap. They nodded and went off in opposite directions.

Kevin walked behind the precinct and crossed the street, unlocking an apartment building. He then walked up four flights of stairs and unlocked apartment 4D. 

Martin greeted him inside. “Hello, Kevin. How are you?”  
“I’m fine.”  
“And the package?”  
“Safe and sound. Did you set it up?”  
“It’s all ready to go.” 

Kevin sighed heavily as Martin handed him a nose plug.  
“God speed.”  
“Thank you.” 

Kevin eyed the zipline that Martin had set up just a few hours ago. He trusted his brother with his life but perhaps not literally.  
He thought of that damn rusty medical bracelet that had almost been placed in his home. No. He couldn’t stop now.

He positioned himself to glide across and was stopped only by Martin's hand on his shoulder. “Kevin?”

“Yes?”  
“I’m glad to you see recovered so quickly from your toothache.”  
“I loathe you.” Then he was sliding across the zip line at a speed he was not at all comfortable with. The only thing that kept him from screaming was not looking down, not wanting anyone to look up, and willpower. 

He launched right through the open window of the 99th precinct’s fourth-floor bathroom which he was sure smelled foul as the air he could taste was putrid. The fact he could _taste_ air was horrifying on it’s own. He was eternally grateful for the nose plug.

He quickly left the bathroom and took a gulp of the very smoke-filled air. He then set his bag on the ground and unzipped it, allowing Cheddar to poke his head out and happily lick his cheek.  
“I apologize for putting you in such an undignified position. I know that feeling very well.” Cheddar did not reply, he was a dog. Kevin was sure he appreciated the sentiment nonetheless and gave him a small petting session as thanks.

“Now, please find that dreadful meat egg that Jacob and Boyle have constructed.” Cheddar perked up immediately, waddling around the precinct on his utterly adorable little feet until he nosed up against one of Terry’s ties. Kevin carefully dissected the fabric with a knife, revealing the meaty prize inside.

“Bingo.” He said, grinning. He exchanged the prize for one he brought with him, this one made of plastic. “Good work Mr.Cheddar.” He said, placing the dog back in the bag and walking back into the bathroom. He stood on a stall and cut the zipline with that same knife, giving Martin a thumbs up which was gleefully returned.

Nothing to do now but wait.

It was difficult to get a firm grasp on what was going on from inside the bathroom but that was fine. The sound he was looking for would be very distinctive, something akin to-

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH MY TOOTH!!!!!!”

That.  
After a few minutes, Martin texted him.

**Martin Cozner:** Ray texted me, Boyle took the bait.  
**Kevin Cozner:** He must be in a lot of pain.  
**Martin Cozner:** Indeed. I’ll soothe it however I can.

Outside the bathroom everyone had been worked up into a tizzy. What prize is real? What happened to the meat prize? Chaos. By the time Martin arrived everyone was far too distracted to pay much attention to him. 

Martin slipped into the bathroom and knocked on all the stalls. Kevin opened his and handed him the meat prize and Cheddar. Martin looked very ill but grabbed them both and quickly ran out.

After a few more minutes he heard Martin shout; “CHEDDAR NO! CHEDDAR DON’T EAT THAT!” Everyone ran down the hall towards his voice.

Kevin slipped out of the bathroom and makes his way onto the roof, retrieving fake Cheddar from the roof. “You look just like your father.” He remarked, placing him in the bag. At the sound of the door being thrown open he dived behind the giant inflatable snow globe that was for some (clearly heist related) reason outside. 

He watched as a blurry Raymond searched the deck for “Cheddar” and then returned inside, demanding to know how Cheddar got in.

Kevin slipped back inside and after pocketing the fake prize he left, took the elevator to the lobby, sitting and waiting until he saw Raymond rushing out the door of the precinct, holding Cheddar close to him. 

He then left as well, climbing into a waiting car.  
“I just saw uncle Holt run past me losing his _mind_ what did you and ma do to him?”  
“Nothing. He’s under several incorrect assumptions that I will clear up in due time. Please take me home.”

“Fine, but only because you’re my uncle and I love you.”  
“Do the Beyoncé Knowles concert tickets and backstage passes?”  
“Those are just more reasons why I love you. IS THAT A DOG? New deal, I get to pet that dog!”

Kevin smiled despite himself and as promised handed Marcus the dog to pet and kiss when they arrived at their destination.  
“He’s so fluffy!”  
“Yes, just like his father. Come now, his owner awaits.”

They walked up to Mrs.Daventree’s house and knocked. She opened the door brightly, happy to see her dog returned safely. “Ohh Pookims...did you have a good time with Kevin and.. Who’s this?”  
“My nephew, Marcus.”  
“Oh what a lovely young man! Would you two like some pie? I want to thank you for all the kindness you’ve shown me. Looking after my Cutie-Pookums and giving me all those apples!”

Marcus eyed Kevin with a look of highly amused disbelief but Kevin only politely declined. “Regretfully, we cannot stay. We have errands to run.”

“So we’ll have to take that pie to go!” Marcus chirped. Kevin was about to respond when his phone chimed with several beeps. “Is that your ringtone?”

“It’s Raymond’s specialized ringtone. It’s his name in morse code.”  
“Do I have one?” Marcus called over his shoulder as Kevin stepped away to have a conversation.  
“Alphabet Aerobics.”  
“I was into that when I was like THIRTEEN!” He complained.

**Phonecall Between Cpt. Raymond Holt and Dr. Kevin Cozner**  
**Raymond:** Kevin there’s been an emergency at work, someone poisoned Cheddar!

**Kevin:** sahnds extree.

**Raymond:** I assure you I do not exaggerate. Cheddar would never have consumed anything inedible on his own. I’m taking him to the vet now, if anything happens to him I promise you I will stop at nothing to catch the lowlife bastard responsible.  


**Kevin:** Wha did ee eat?

**Raymond:** I- Oh he’s- I’m sorry Kevin I have to fill out some paperwork but I will keep you updated. I love you, please feel better soon.

**Kevin:** I loff you too.  
**-phone call ends-**

“So, where to?” Marcus asked, walking up next to him and eating an apple pie.  
“The precinct.”  
“With you dressed like a soundcloud rapper?” Kevin shook his head, holding up his change of clothes.

Twenty minutes later Kevin stepped out of Marcus’ car with a friendly goodbye and approached Martin who was sitting in his own car. Charles was lying in the passenger’s seat.  
“Is he lucid?” Kevin asked.  
Martin turned to Boyle. “Detective Boyle, are you lucid?”  
“Aunt Lucy? Oh, I hate that witch. Where is she? Mama? Is that you?”  
Martin turned back to Kevin. “He’s not.”

“Good.”  
“Are you sure you want to do this?”  
“Yes.” Kevin sighed, moving his jaw from side to side. “Quickly please.”

Five minutes later Kevin exited the elevator and stepped into the bullpen. There were confetti and soap suds everywhere. He deftly stepped around them.

“Kevin!” Amy exclaimed, hiding a large wiffle bat behind her back. “What’re you doing here?”  
“Ames this is obviously a trick by the captain! I bet Cheddar isn’t even sick, it was all a ploy!” Kevin fixed Jake with an icy glare and the man immediately gulped and sat back down. “Or not, that’s uh...that’s also an option!”

“My husband called on me to come retrieve his things. He will not be returning today as Cheddar’s in the hospital due to whatever vicious tomfoolery was happening here today. You endangered my dog, how dare you question my motives for being here?” Is what Kevin tried to say, though most of it was lost due to his incredibly numb mouth. Everyone got the gist of the message however and looked suitably chastened. 

“I’m sorry Kevin.” Terry apologized, taking off his barbie roller skates. “Do you need any help?”

“I think you’ve all helped enough for today.” He remarked, shutting Raymond’s office door louder than necessary. He gathers up some of Raymond’s papers as a show and then ducks under his desk, unlocking the secret compartment his husband had had installed a year ago in preparation for this day. The password was incredibly easy, as if he wouldn’t know his husband’s favorite sand (gypsum, as it reminds him of snow which is far superior to sand in every way).

The prize.

It takes everything in him to keep from grinning as he slips it into his bag with the rest of the things he’s gathered. “Goodbye everyone.” He calls, opening the elevator.

“Bye Kevin.” Everyone politely mutters. It’s all he can do to keep from laughing. Simpletons.

Hours later Raymond returns home. He can tell by the loud bang of a door being carelessly opened.  
“Kevin!” He shouts, bounding up the stairs. “Kevin did you-!” He pauses, made speechless by his husband waiting for him in the study. His hands steepled and gaze even, a slight smile on his face.

“No...no…” Kevin slowly picks something up from off of his desk. A furby egg, The furby egg. Raymond drops to his knees. _“NO!”_ He cries in defeat as his husband cackles menacingly, victorious.


	2. To the Victor Goes the Spoils

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The spoils in this case being bragging about how you became the victor.

Kevin set down two cups of tea for Raymond and himself. They were in their nook which was used for breakfast and light meals when not expecting company. “Alright, tell me.”

“Tell you what?” Kevin asked, stirring honey into his tea.  
“How you did it.”  
“Why?”  
“A momentous occasion such as this requires a speech.”  
“I’m not one for speeches.”  
“Well if you truly don’t-”  
Kevin pulled out a sheet of paper detailing the entire plan. “I prefer monologues with visual accompaniment.”

Raymond exhaled softly. There was nothing more erotic than a monologue and adding to that the tantalizing addition of a visual accompaniment....Well, he’d married quite the minx.

“Go on then.”  
“Thank you, it all began at phase 1; Convince you that I had a toothache. This would be fairly easy, you are notably a tender heart and I was certain if I faked enough pain you would be filled with too much pity to get anywhere close to exposing my lie.”

“Tender heart? I forced you to drink ice water.”  
“But not eat the ice? Amateur.”  
Raymond leaned in closer. “So, Martin was in on this as well?”

“Of course. Martin handed you x rays of cavity-ridden teeth sure, but not mine.”  
“And you weren’t anesthetized?”  
“No, not at that point.”  
“What?”  
“All in due time. You left soon after and that began phase two.”

They both looked each other in the eye, Kevin’s ablaze with pure delight and Raymond’s wide with realization. “Debbie.”

“Yes, Debbie. She came over a surprise visit and what did she have?”  
Raymond was nodding along, hand on his chin in thought. “Snack foods.”

“Not just snack foods, snack foods laced with a light laxative.”  
“Hitchcock and Scully!”  
“Yes. Everyone else would no doubt be far too suspicious of her sudden appearance to accept any of her offerings but those two buffoons? Didn’t suspect a thing.”

“We warned them but they both just said _worth it_.”  
“And it was worth it. To me. I knew that Debbie’s presence at your workplace would be intolerable to you on a normal day and even more so on heist day. So, given that you two have become so much closer over the past few years it only makes sense that you would call-”

“My mother!? My _mother_ had a part in this?”  
“Hell is empty Raymond.” Kevin said, flashing him a devilishly handsome smirk. “Justice Laverne Holt then distracted you while Debbie fed who _you_ thought was Cheddar several dog treats, filling up his doggy belly.”

“What!? That’s not Cheddar!?” He asked, pointing towards their dog who was happily eating at his wet food (a treat for a job well done).

“No, that is indeed Cheddar. Patience is a virtue, dear.” Raymond covered his face with his hands but Kevin could see him smiling.  
“Continue.” 

“I then infiltrated the nine-nine in disguise and confounded the guard by speaking rudimentary French to him.”

“Bill is...not that bright.”  
“Bill is a _dunce_.” Raymond gasped at Kevin’s harsh words. “But, all was going according to plan. Bill then made a call to Rosa, who I knew would never agree to leave the heist. Forcing Bill to have to leave his post to go fetch her. I then entered the vents-”

“You...I...No, go on. I’m sorry. I am..in shock.”

“I needed to clear everyone out of the building so I triggered an evacuation with smoke bombs I purchased at the nearest joke shop.”

“The nearest joke shop is two states over.”  
“Do you remember eight weeks ago when my good friend Rodolpho became ill and I left for a few days to take care of him?”

“He wasn’t ill?”  
“There wasn’t even a Rodolpho!”  
“You’ve been friends for two years!”

“And yet you haven’t met him? Did that truly not ring suspicious to you?”  
“I suppose I simply trust your word as my husband.”

“Trust nothing, it’s heist season and all of your loved ones have betrayed you. Returning to the topic at hand, I then exchanged bags with your mother. This bag contained the true Cheddar who had been living with your mother for several months in order to ensure that I would be the only one training him.”

“Then who…? I can recognize Cheddar, I would have noticed...surely I would have noticed!”  
“Oh, you would have. That is why in preparation for the switch I befriended Mrs.Daventree and was able to train her dog Pookie, one of Cheddar’s sons from his dalliance with her mutt, how to behave exactly like Cheddar.”

“And you did this without her notice?”  
“She takes several two hour-long naps throughout the day. It was not difficult.”  
“So...you snuck back into the precinct in disguise then?”

“Oh no.” Kevin chuckled. “I soared in from the adjacent apartment building.”  
“How. Explain.”  
“I have been renting a fourth-floor apartment in that building for several months now, making sure that my entry would be perfect. Under Martin’s name of course.” Raymond was smiling openly now, thoroughly wrapped up in the excitement of a plan coming together flawlessly.

“I entered through the bathroom window which I knew would be open to allow the room to aerate.”  
“We considered just sealing the room shut and painting over it.”  
“Since Cheddar was with me I had no problem retrieving the fake Furby egg made of meat and quickly replaced it with a fake Furby egg made of plastic, sewing up the tie as if nothing had happened.”

“So that’s why Boyle kept screaming ‘it’s supposed to be meat!’ when he took that bite.”  
“Yes. I assumed either he or Peralta would take a giant bite to punctuate a reveal of some sort. I also assumed that you, being the tender heart you are-”

“I still don’t think it was tenderhearted of me. One of my colleagues and a close friend was injured.”

“It’s sentimental drivel like that that cost you the heist.” Raymond looked toward the ceiling, nearly rolling his eyes. “Because you saw Martin earlier that day and held no suspicion of him I knew he would be the one you called.”

“He was the only dentistry professional I knew he would make a visit on such short notice.”

“Martin then fed the meat egg to the real Cheddar as I took the fake Cheddar from the roof, tricking you into believing that there was only one Cheddar present.”

“You also tricked me into believing that our dog might die.”  
“You believe that Cheddar might die when he eats grass.”  
“It’s a sign of illness in some breeds!”

“I then left, taking one of the fake eggs with me to further convince everyone that it had been eaten. After returning Pookie back to Mrs.Daventree, Marcus drove me back to the precinct in my normal attire-”

“Marcus was part of this too?”  
“Of course. I wouldn’t leave him out. As I was saying, he drove me back to the precinct and there I met Martin who injected me with an anesthetic.”

“Ignoring the incredible recklessness and danger of that, why not just pretend as you did with me?”  
“Your detectives do not harbor romantic feelings for me that would cloud their judgment so much as to be unable to see through my ruse or unwilling to test me on it. I’ve seen what Rosa is capable of.”

“Very true, continue.”  
“It’s simple from there. I retrieved the egg despite your piddling attempts to hide it and here we are now.” 

Raymond smiled at his husband. “Next year I will not let you out of my sight.”  
“Oh,” Came a voice from the stairs. Raymond looked up to see Kevin standing there, grinning victoriously. “Haven’t you?”

“WHAT.”  
“Meet Peter, my body double.” The man he’d been talking to waved cheerfully at him.  
“HAS HE-!? HOW LONG HAS HE BEEN HERE!?”  
“Only a few hours. I hired him for this dramatic reveal.” Raymond sagged with relief, glad he’d not been living with a stranger for however long it took for Kevin to plan this heist out.

“Raymond.” Raymond lifted his head curiously and was blinded with a flashing light as Kevin took a picture of him. “Wonderful, I will send this to Debbie. Peter, you may go.”

As Kevin escorted his body double out Raymond thought about his husband. His cruel, conniving, brilliant bastard of a husband who he loved more than anyone else on earth. He thought of him organizing this entire convoluted plan, devoting so much time and energy just to participate in this year’s heist. Even though he’d apparently done it by mobilizing every member of his family against him he felt...happy. So happy in fact that when Kevin returned he found his husband laughing.

“Are you alright, Raymond?”  
“Perfectly.”  
“Good. Then please watch as I destroy this token.” He requested and Raymond nodded, following him into the living room and watching as Kevin threw the colorful egg into the roaring fire. A horrific electronic scream was emitted from whatever was inside as the damned thing screeched _‘Plaaaaaaaaaaaay withmmmeeeeeee’_

“Good riddance.” Kevin said, wiping off his hands. “What would you like for dinner?”  
“You may choose our meal since we are celebrating your accomplishment. Oh, and Kevin?”  
Kevin turned to him suspiciously and was taken off guard by Raymond wrapping his arms around his waist and kissing him. “You,” Raymond said, voice low and heavy with love for him, “Are the ultimate human/genius. And I love you very much.”

Kevin smiled immediately, soft and extremely tender no matter how much he insisted he was not. “I love you as well. We will choose the meal in tandem as always, it’s my wish.”

As they walked to the kitchen, arms linked together, Raymond grinned mischievously.  
“You know since this entire heist was a family affair I believe one could argue that I also have claim to-”  
“Raymond, I will gut you like a fish.”  
“Well, one cannot say I didn’t try.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you tell I had a LOT of fun writing this?  
> I think Holt gives two of Cheddar's puppies to Charles? But corgis typically have six puppies in a litter so I reasoned it still made sense.  
> Also Kevin borrowed that move from Gina for SURE.

**Author's Note:**

> I cannot recommend you popping Kevin's french rants into google translate enough


End file.
